Tales of the Parodyverse

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AJA
Thu Jan 26, 2006 at 01:37:32 pm EST
Subject
Hang him & let's get high: an genre screwing up tale.
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The early 1800's. The American Frontier where Men were Men & Women were either School Marms or Prostitutes.

Somewhere near the middle of Nowhere is The Town that People Forgot to Name. Population: 550 & dropping. Why? Because Dirty Dan McFancypants was shooting anyone who laughed at his last name. Little did Dirty Dan McFancypants know that his reign of terror would soon some to an end because the rootnest, tootnest cowpoke this side of Rio Bravo was coming to town.

It was High Noon on a wintery Summer's day went a Jack Ass without a name wondered into town slung on it back, drunk as all get out, was it's owner: Arnold James Flying Hippotamus Armbruster. Some call him The Drunken Stranger, Some call him Shirley, Even more call him Arnie. The nameless Jack Ass stopped at the local Saloon & it's owner fell off with a thud.

"Uh!" The Drunken Stranger groaned. A few minutes later, he got up & dusted himself off. With his bloodshot eyes, he looked around this town that appeared to only have one street & about eight buildings but that's was the way it was with all Old Western towns.

"Excuse me." The Drunken Stranger asked a passing person. "Where am I?"

"You are in the Town People Forgot to Name."

"But, isn't that a name?"

"Yes, but not a very good one." The person said & then walked off.

Seeing as how he was in front of a Saloon, The Drunken Stranger went inside. All that you would expect to be happening in a Saloon was going on. Drinking: Check. Gambling: Check. Some dude playing a piano: Check. Dirty Desperados: Check. Classy Prostitutes: Check.

The Drunken Stranger walks up to the bar. "Barkeep. Get me you finest Sarsaparilla."

"Do you even know what that is?" asked the Barkeep.

"No. But that seems to be what people drink in these parts. That or Whiskey."

The Barkeep brought out his finest Sarsaparilla & poured The Drunken Stranger a glass. He took it all in one gulp.

"Ahh! That's good stuff. Pour me another."

As the barkeep did so, The Drunken Stranger looked around the Saloon. Just then, on stage, a man came out to annouce the show.

"Hello, Gentlefolk. The Rusty Bucket proudly presents Snookie!" The announer guy said & went off stage to pull open the curtain.

The curtain was pulled open & there she was in all her glory, Snookie. She might have been the most classy out all the Prostitutes in the joint. Now, Snookie wasn't the best at singing or dancing but what she lacked in those areas she made up for in spunk. She started the show off with a few magic tricks & went into a stand up rountine about Airline food. That was lost on the crowd because the Airplane hadn't been invented yet. Then, she went into the crowd to do her big number: The one they all come for. Snookie uses her Feminine whiles to enchant the crowd as she sings songs from the 1970's. After a few disco hits she dances her way back on stage & then the curtain closes. The crowd of drunken dirty Desperados go wild.

"Hey, Barkeep." The Drunken Stranger says as he turns around.

"Yeah?"

"Where is Snookie from?"

"No one knows. Lady Snookie keeps that knowledge to herself, but the rumor is she from the Orient."

It seems like no matter what fantasy He was in be it a nutty Noir or a poorly constructed Western, Arnie just couldn't find out where Snookie was from.

To move the plot along, standing next to The Drunken Stranger at the bar was the Sherif as with most of this westerns: He wanted to quit do to the rampant crime & degradation all around him. So, in a drunken stupor: He handed over his badge to our main character. Now handing over the badge didn't mean didly squat: The Drunken Stranger now had to sit through a four hour seminar (which was mostly a vidoe tape) on how to become a sherif in a mostly lawless town.

So, one Saturday later: Arnold James Flying Hippotamus Armbruster was the Sherif of The Town People Forgot to Name. This, of course, didn't sit well with Dirty Dan McFancyPants & his band of mildly gay Desperados.

TO BE CONTINUED


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